AHHHH!!!! sometimes i just wan to let things go...haiz~ i felt that somethings that i always like will turn up to be smth that i have always achieved or wanted..but this time i am wrong??? i just feel like blogging things out here, so that i will feel better in my heart...=)

It was a great day on wed..was so happy that i was going to train, finally that i have the time to get to train, all the way having ECs and having no time to come..was feeling great to train, reached there after awhile and training started...though my lesson ends at 2, but i still went there without eating to start training...didn't know i didn't came for training afew time, lois changes this much??? i was trying to make her smile when she look so down or troubled then she dao me..i called her name she dao me again??? wats the meaning of this? forget it man..i know she is some kind of close to our coach, so maby it makes her to have the feeling that she is diff from us? feels that though she is now sec3, but having the same belt as a sec4 makes her proud? its just not fair that she can have a double grading when we cannot have? "going katong is not an excuse for getting double grade, jun juey also go katong..i don see him getting double grading..i don c him getting green with the seniors..this is utterly RUBBISH"...I have not really know much of the techniques for my blue belt grading...asked lois to teach me is like taking a knife and cutting her own throat??? is it that diff and hard to do? though i get the wrong steps alot of time, doesn't mean that i will get it wrong next time..wat is it there to be so du lan? combination techniques cannot be the same meh? u use de techniques i cannot also use ar? need to be so selfish to say till that u are lazy or wat so ever to think 1 for me? i'm thinking hard and still need to add on to my pressure to hurry me when i already know i done alot of mistakes and i am trying to make it up to u?? well, i guess she respects nobody accept sensei or yee ling..she just dunno how it feels, nv try to feel how others feel...if she is not happy she just put it on the outside, as though everybody owes it to her..GOD DAM IT, wake up man..that is y Jun Juey left us..

As for sensei? wat can i say about him? giving me attitude all the way??? from the time that i have came in till now??? nv have him mention my name before...i nv HEAR..i stress, I NV HEAR before him calling my name..I NV, believe me, he just said YOU YOU YOU..thats all, you..-.-" when we are learning the throws, its like he is hurrying us to faster learn the ground techniques...which i am also not sure of wat is tested, then he was asking who have not learn? i say me and charmaine...then he looked at me, take a deep breath and just diao me with a fucking proud or shall i say COCK FACE! then i was like feeling bad in my heart already before looked at me as i had not learnt much of the techniques..i couldn't take it and i just break off, i just went out of the matts and cried..='( it wasn't the first time, when i was fighting for the individuals...i injured my knee at the starting of the match, i couldn't throw my opponent..and i lost to him, my coach face was like darker then black coffee, and a fucking unhappy or shall i say disappointed face or wat so ever..talking about the team event, how am i going to have the time to go for training when i am having N levels? and one of my exam is in june plus to many ECs to go, additionally courseworks...He just put too much hope in me? is it? i don think so, i can c that he is more into seeing how lois will win...ai ya, now i really hack care everything..i was suppose to grade for my belt tml..but thinking of it, i think i would give it up then to embarrase myself infront of other coaches...

sometimes letting off things will make peace for yourself even though it means alot to u..i really take judo seriously, but i cannot take that much of stress anymore..i will go crazy!!!!Going to have my grading after SA1..i'll decide whether i'm going to grade or not..c how ba...

Feeling so stressed up, lucky i got my dearie by my side to cheer me up..=) she is all that i've got..=pPpPp..muacks..love ya lots